If you can’t get past the first date, you won’t be booking a honeymoon anytime soon. The sad thing is ladies who would really be great catches are just blowing it and scaring their dates away by making silly, careless mistakes on their first dates—like talking too much, obsessing on exes, talking about marriage, calling the guy before or after the first date. If they just tweak a few of their dating behaviors, they can transform their dating life without changing who they are! If these secrets become a habit, you can stop stressing about first dates and focus on your man and deciding if HE is the great catch and worth your time. When you do that, 2nd dates become automatic.
Ninety-eight of one hundred first dates asked you out for a 2nd! Were you just a natural at dating or was there a point in your dating life where things dramatically changed to gain that high percentage?
I was NOT a natural at dating. They don’t teach you how to date in school. Sure I had my share of 1st dates, but I didn’t have my first BOYFRIEND until I was 21! It wasn’t until utter frustration at 23 that I decided to really study the art of dating. I read every dating book on the shelves and observed successful couples and watched the celebrities around me since I was in Hollywood. I learned the walk and the talk and finally men took notice, asked me out and the 2nd dates began to become automatic.
How can one back on the dating scene after a long absence adopt this hopeful attitude?
Before you jump back into the world of dating allow yourself time to heal and reflect on where you’ve been. What was missing in your past love life? This is your season to really make it all about you. Love yourself first and deliberately pursue the life you always wanted! If you’re a single mom, obviously you need to seriously consider the needs of your children. But you also have to take care of you and come up with what you really want in a relationship before you start dating again. If you don’t know what you want then you’ll just date whoever takes notice and most likely that is was your problem in the past. You are valuable deserve to have a great relationship. But you have to believe that and know to recognize him when is comes along!
In “Automatic 2nd Date” you recommend asking lots of questions. You even give us 100 potential questions. How do we avoid turning it into an interview or worse, an interrogation?
To keep questions from sounding like an interrogation listen to his answers to your questions and go from there. You’re guiding the conversation, not dictating it. If you genuinely stay tuned in and listen to him, then the questions that come to your mind will help the conversation flow naturally and you will draw him to you. One of the easiest ways to get a 2nd date is to be genuinely interested in what your date has to say! Everyone wants to be heard. When you listen he will feel understood and he will want to see you again. So offer your undivided attention, look him in the eye, ask relevant questions, and be sure to laugh at his jokes!
What about women who are recently divorced or widowed? Isn’t it hard to hold back physically when you’re used to not holding back?
The transition from being married and freely having sex with your spouse to holding back your passion as you jump back into the dating can be difficult for some ladies. But if you are looking for a relationship to develop, you must have restraint! Sometimes you just have to be tough. Getting that second date is about self control and holding back, not about letting loose and putting out. The physical always progresses rather than goes backward. Take it slow so there’s somewhere to go.
Victorya, you firmly say your guy should pay for the first date. Can you or should you pay for any part of it?
If you pay for your 1st date, you’ve established that you are just buddies or that he doesn’t have to pursue or pamper you. So don’t pay for any part of the first date. If a relationship progresses there will be plenty of time to occasionally treat him or to pitch in for part of your time together. Your goal on the first few dates is to let him impress you!
VICTORYA: Thanks for having me. I hope I have helped you begin to see that dating does NOT have to be overwhelming, scary and stressful. In fact, believe it or not, you can actually enjoy the process if you take the time to find out what you REALLY want in a man, sharpen your dating skills and take risks.
Victorya Michaels Rogers inspires her audiences to rekindle forgotten dreams as she shows them how to catch them. A former Hollywood agent, Victorya is a popular speaker at colleges and Christian organizations and churches. With infectious enthusiasm, she speaks around the country at universities, churches, conferences, women’s retreats, single’s groups, youth groups, and women’s luncheons. This author of four books has appeared on hundreds of radio programs including “Focus on the Family” and many television talk shows including Living the Life.